After
divorce, the most important thing you can do is to move forward sensibly.
Here are ten steps to help you on your way back to a fulfilling life.
1. Think single.
You're no longer one half of a couple. Life as a single woman is very
different to the life you've been used to. Being single again takes
some getting used to, so don't expect it to be easy. Take time to understand
the changes that are happening in your life.
2. Remind yourself
that it's ok to be single.
In a society where single women are often looked down upon by their
married peers, we can easily find ourselves believing we are failures.
That "real" women are involved in loving, lasting relationships. That
is not true. More and more women are choosing to remain single, or to
break out of un-fulfilling relationships, and this is something which
shows strength rather than weakness.
3. Don't try to
get even.
No matter how angry you are at your partner, even if he's been unfaithful
to you, don't try to get your own back. You'll just end up exhausting
your personal energy on something that isn't going to be the least bit
fruitful. It won't get him back, but the bitterness will most likely
stop you from moving on. You don't deserve that, so don't do it! Approach
your anger in a sensible manner, one that will constructive in helping
you back to a healthy, emotional state of mind. Try writing down exactly
what is making you angry and why. Find a friend who'll listen and tell
her how you feel. Anger needs an outlet, but getting your own back is
not a healthy way of venting it.
4. Accept that
the relationship is over.
When you're living alone and your partner has moved on, it should be
easy to accept that it's over. Unfortunately, this is something that
a lot of women have problems with. You may find yourself making excuses
to visit him by forgetting things at his place, needing to discuss something
trivial regarding the children. Don't crowd him. Talk to him when you
need to, visit if you must, but be polite, keep your distance emotionally,
and accept that you now lead separate lives. The sooner you accept this,
the quicker you will be able to find happiness again.
5. Don't live in
the past.
Sure you've got some great memories from your time together. You would
never have stayed together as long as you did if there were never any
good times. Remember them by all means, but don't dwell on them. If
you find yourself wishing that everything could be "like that" again,
give yourself a mental slap and remind yourself that there are some
fantastic moments waiting for you in the future, and that the past is
nothing but a memory. You can learn from it, but you neither change
it, or return to it. It's over.. gone.. the future is what you should
be thinking about!
6. Don't drown
yourself in guilt.
You've probably said a few things that you didn't mean and now regret,
but you can't change that now. Apologise to your ex, but don't expect
your apology to change anything. Forgive yourself and learn from your
mistakes.
7. Re-discover
yourself!
How much of yourself did you give up during your relationship? Did you
find yourself bending over backwards to satisfy your partner? Now is
the time to start living for you! Doing the things that make YOU happy
will increase your self-confidence. Get a new hair-cut, re-arrange the
furniture, enrol on a course. Do anything you like, but do it for YOU.
8. Sort out your
finances.
Your financial situation is bound to have changed and it's important
that you know exactly how much you have coming in. It's easy to start
over-spending while you're wallowing in your self-pity... a little extra
indulgence here and another there, to make you feel better. Don't be
tempted. Getting yourself into debt will just make your life as a single
woman unnecessarily difficult. If your income is low (or non-existent),
contact Social Services Benefits Advice Service or your local Citizens
Advice Bureau. They will have somebody available to assess your needs
and help you claim any benefits that you are eligible for.
9. Don't become
lonely.
You may have found that your "couple friends" no longer invite you over,
that your married friends don't have the time to do the things you suggest.
Don't panic. This is perfectly normal and as time passes you will gradually
find new friends. Whatever you do, be positive when you are with others
as positive people always attract more friends. When you meet new people,
they don't want to listen to "doom and gloom". They don't know you yet,
and will probably find it difficult to be sympathetic to a complete
stranger. Be cheery and make them smile, people will remember and like
you for that.
10. Don't get involved
on the rebound!
We've all heard it, but when you meet "that" guy, it's so easy to forget.
Keep your dates light and remember that there is a broad line between
getting to know a person and bonding a close, intimate relationship.
Don't try to jump that line, it's there to be crossed slowly. When you
try to cross it too quickly you'll be forcing the relationship, and
forced relationships rarely last. Yes, I know there are some whirlwind
romances that have survived the test of time, but those are the exception,
rather than the rule.
© Sharon Jacobsen
You can contact
Sharon by clicking here.
